


The Snake and the Angel Go To California

by phinnia



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22777363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phinnia/pseuds/phinnia
Summary: Lucifer/Good Omens crossover.   Lucifer is watching Trixie when he finds a snake on the beach.
Relationships: Amenadiel/Linda Martin (Lucifer TV), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley (Good Omens) & Lucifer Morningstar (Lucifer TV), Trixie Decker & Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 43
Kudos: 1005





	1. Chapter 1

Lucifer was stuck watching Trixie. How this happened was complicated; something to do with Detective Douche being horribly hung over and Maze off bounty hunting and Linda and Amenadiel at a doctor's appointment and Chloe and Ella were in a meeting. So there he was, on a Saturday at the beach with Trixie, getting her snow cones and watching the passers-by, when he saw it.

"Shit."

"What?" Trixie had cherry syrup all over her face. She was used to Lucifer saying bad words at this point and just ignored them.

"I just saw a giant snake." He did not mention that he'd _seen the man turn into the giant snake_. That was even more complicated.

"Cool!" She gets up, excited. "Let's catch it! What way did it go?"

"Um ... that way." He points vaguely in the direction of where he saw Crowley slithering off. Trixie runs off in that direction. Lucifer walks behind her, murmuring. 

"Crowley... I know you're there, I did see you. Come on now, you can't just _hide_ from the big boss. Come on, Crowley."

A pause. Trixie is running ahead looking under benches.

"Come on, Crowley, I'm not going to hurt you. Just don't scare the little girl and we're all good, okay?" 

"Promissse?" He hears Crowley's snake voice.

"Swear it."

He hears Crowley transform behind him and turns around with a grin. "Hello, my darling serpent. How's it hangin'?"

"Uh ... hi?" Crowley is, well, vintage Crowley: dressed in black jeans tight enough that they might as well be painted on, black shirt, and some bizarre silver scarf around his neck. No jacket today, although he's usually got one on. 

"Oh, for Dad's sake, Crowley, are those actually _snakeskin_ boots? Really?" Lucifer sighs. "One of us needs better boots and it isn't me."

"Those are my _feet_ , you jackass." Crowley whispers.

"Oh. Can you do something in an Italian loafer thing or, well, anything better than _that_? And fix the scarf. Black is always chic, but your accessories game needs punching up."

Trixie runs back. "I couldn't find the snake, Lucifer!"

"Oh, it's all right, they've found him now. Do you want to meet one of my cousins?"

"Hi, Lucifer's cousin!" She throws her arms around Crowley's legs. "What's your name?"

"Uh ... Crowley." Crowley gives Lucifer a 'what-the-fuck' look over the edge of his sunglasses. 

"I'm Trixie. I'm nine and a half."

"And you have red syrup all over your face, too." Crowley kneels down to her level and starts wiping her face off with a hasty miracle. "What do you like to do?"

"Uh, I like board games and reading. I like playing knives with Maze and I like -"

"Maze is here?" Crowley's face turned, if possible, even paler.

"You know Maze? Wow!" 

"Oh, yeah, um. We used to work together. For, you know, different offices. I ... travelled a lot."

"She said she was a zookeeper."

"Uh ... I travelled a lot."

"Were you in charge of getting animals for the zoo?"

"Your mom just called." Lucifer interrupts smoothly. "Why don't we go back to the station? Crowley, you can come with." He lets a slight hint of devilish flare go into his eyes. "You're coming with, right Crowley?"

Crowley swallows. "'Course I am."

It is awkward to fit three people in a two-seater convertible, but you can do it if both of them are incredibly skinny and the third is a child. Trixie just shows Crowley all of her favorite videos off of Youtube and Tiktok all the way there. 

"Why is Maze here?" he whispers on the way in.

"Oh, don't worry about her." Lucifer says breezily, and walks over to a blonde woman at a desk, dressed in business casual. "Detective! Guess what I found at the beach!"

"What letter of the alphabet does her name start with?" the blonde says, not looking up.

"C, actually, not a woman, but not at all what you're thinking. Detective, this is my cousin Crowley."

"Oh!" She looks up and smiles. "Hello! I'm Chloe Decker, Lucifer's partner."

"Anthony Crowley. Just call me Crowley." He extends his hand, and she shakes it.

Lucifer starts to laugh. "Anthony? _Really_?"

"You don't like it?"

"Oh, I love it, definitely keep it. You always hated Dad as much as I did."

Crowley smirks. "Not one of my favorite people, your dad." He goes back over to talk to Trixie, who's messing with the vending machines.

"He looks like he's good with kids." Chloe says. 

"I should really catch up with him." Lucifer murmurs. "I haven't seen him in hundreds of years."

It was surprisingly easy to get Crowley to come to Lux that evening. Demons liked to drink, and his cousin always enjoyed a good red wine, if he remembered correctly. 

"So why are you in LA anyway?" he asks as they lounge on the sofa. Crowley's looking out over the sunset and the city.

"We're - I mean, I've got a friend, her mum lives here, she's getting married. Big beach wedding out in Malibu." 

"Oooh, nice." He thinks about what the demon just said, that little slip. "Did you just say _we're_? Are you here with someone?"

"Well, not the one that's getting married, sadly monogamy's a human institution."

"That's not what I mean, dear cousin." He picks up his drink. "Is there a Mrs. Anthony Crowley? A Mr. Anthony Crowley? A Mx. Anthony Crowley? Gender or genders to be named as appropriate, however you're going these days? I know you like to switch it up." 

"No, no, here by myself, all alone." Crowley gulped the last of his wine. "Gotta run."

"Crowley." Lucifer says. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing, I swear nothing!"

"Crowley, do I have to fetch Mazikeen? She does have a few Hell-blades on her."

Crowley turned into a snake again, and Lucifer grabbed him by the neck before he could slither away, his eyes turning into burning embers. "Crowley ... what do you desire to _hide_?"

"Me and Aziraphale!" Crowley changed back into human form and put his head into his hands.

"What?" Lucifer dropped him on the floor. "Principality Angel, guarded the Eastern Gate of Eden? Runs a bookshop in London, in Soho? Dresses like a Downton Abbey rerun, _that_ Aziraphale?"

"Yeah. That one." Crowley buries his head in his hands. "Head Offices already tried to kill us after we stopped the apocalypse -"

"What?" Lucifer poured Crowley another glass of wine. "Start at the beginning, and _don't_ leave anything out." 

So Crowley told him the story of the Apocawhoops, as he called it. 

"So if you weren't there, who the hell was that, then?"

"I'm going to guess Dromos or some other high-ranking arsewipe." Lucifer mutters, knocking back another Scotch. "Fucker."

"Oh." Crowley coughs. "I killed Ligur. Sorry about that. Bucket of holy water over the door."

"You killed _Ligur_ with a bucket of holy water over the door?" Lucifer looks positively gleeful. "Hastur must have been heartbroken."

"Threatened Hastur with a plant mister and trapped him in my ansaphone, discorporated him in my car after I drove it over the flaming M25."

"That was a _genius_ project. You still have the Bentley, then?"

"More or less, yeah. She burned up but your offspring - Adam - replaced her with an exact copy."

"I can't believe I _spawned_." Lucifer shudders. "Ugh. What a terrible thought, back to that never. Now, what's up with you and the former Guardian of the Eastern Gate?"

"Nothing." Crowley sighs and drains Lucifer's glass of Scotch.

"Oh come now, Crowley, don't lie."

"No, I mean that. _Nothing_. Absolutely nothing. Friends, I guess."

"With benefits, I assume." Lucifer looks at his cousin, who is blushing now. "No? Why ever not?"

"You go too fast for me, Crowley. We're not even friends, Crowley. I don't even like you." Crowley mutters into his hands, and then just drains the bottle of wine and goes over to the bar to pick up a bottle of bourbon. "Blah, blah, blah. Opposite sides, etcetera etcetera etcetera. The only reason we're here is for Anathema's wedding."

"Your friend is called _Anathema?_ "

"Yeah, her mum owns a big house out in Malibu. You'd like her, she's a witch. An actual witch, not that voodoo garbage with chickens and patchouli and people that don't wash and wear Birkies and only eat organic and refuse to vaccinate their children. Well, she calls herself an occultist, but you know, witch, occultist, same thing really."

"Hmm. Could do with a trip." Lucifer tossed his keys in the air. "Want to drive?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Crowley finds out things and there is drinking and a lot of pining. So, you know, usual.

"I'm not used to driving on this side of the road." Crowley shouts as he drives. "Although I love this car." 

"I know, isn't it fantastic?" Lucifer yells back. 

"I'd do a convertible in England, but you know, the fucking rain is impossible over there, it's almost constant."

"Oh, I know, that's why I stay out here. Sunny, topless models, all that."

"I'd ask how many Nephilim you fathered, but knowing your attitude toward parenthood, I'd guess none."

"Ugh, I hope none. Although you've got a second cousin out there."

"What?" Crowley swerves.

"Oh, Amenadiel had a kid with my therapist. A boy."

"Amenadiel had a kid with your _therapist_? What, is this like some kind of weird Analyze This thing? _You_ go to _therapy_?"

"I do." Lucifer smirks at him. "And I've improved, too.'

"Amenadiel had sex with someone?"

"Amenadiel had sex with _Maze_."

Crowley swerved into the next lane. 

"Watch my bloody car!"

"He said we were on opposite sides!" Crowley rants. "He said -"

"Crowley, my darling serpentine cousin, perhaps _I_ should drive the rest of the way to Malibu?" Lucifer smiles, attempting to be soothing before there's a multi-car crash and they end up in a disaster of twisted metal and flame.

Anathema's mum's place was _really_ posh. Decidedly posh. Crowley just leaned on the doorbell. Lucifer passed over his flask in a rare moment of sympathy. Crowley drained it, and handed it back. 

A woman with long dark hair and round glasses opened the door. "Hey, Crowley. Who's your friend with the ... weird aura?"

"Hello, you must be Anathema." Lucifer extended his hand. "I'm Lucifer. Morningstar."

"Oh." Anathema nods. "I've heard of you. Come in then."

"We're cousins." Crowley says. "'sabitweird. I need a fucking _drink._ Amenadiel _slept with Mazikeen_ and Angel doesn't care about me at _all_."

"You call him Angel?" Lucifer sits down on the sofa. "Isn't that a bit ... you know, derivative?"

"Shut _up_ , Luci." Crowley pulls out his phone and stuffs headphones in his ear.

Anathema drops a box of tissues in Lucifer's lap. "Back in a second." She murmurs. "Just getting more bourbon. Sometimes he gets weepy when he gets to stage two of the drunk rant."

"Stage two?"

"Stage one is weirdness, stage two is crying about Aziraphale." Anathema shrugs. "Have to find where my mom hides the good stuff."

Lucifer grins. "I _do_ like you, he was right."

He hears 'Black Angel's Death Song' through Crowley's headphones. "Velvet Underground? Are you _still_ listening to Velvet Underground and Queen all the time?"

"He calls all of my music _bebop_." Crowley moans into his hands. "And he hates my driving."

"Well, you do drive like an insane person with a lead foot, you know that, demons all do. But _Miles Davis_ is bebop, not _Freddie Mercury_."

"Watching him eat, though." Crowley says with a groan. "It's like watching the best porn, porn with a direct line into your brain. Zaps all your pleasure centers one after another like a ball through a pinball game, ding ding ding ding whoop."

"Metaphor entirely questionable." Lucifer mutters.

Anathema returns with three glasses and six bottles of bourbon. "You haven't seen Aziraphale eat, have you? He _stares_. Why do you think he wears those glasses? Well, other than the yellow eyes thing. But mostly to hide the longing stares."

"And _how long_ has this been going on?"

"Well, he says six thousand years give or take a few." She pours them both drinks. Crowley just takes a bottle and drinks from it.

"Not doing well, is he?"

"No." 

Lucifer awoke beneath the form of his cousin, who had gone full snake in the night and was entirely tangled in him, and to a ringing phone. He eventually gets it away from Crowley's tail. "Hello?"

"Lucifer! Where are you?" Chloe says. 

"I am in Malibu, actually, under a hungover cousin, trying to get him off of me, which is a lot harder than it sounds. I sat up most of the night listening to him moan about how the angel he's been pining over for six thousand years doesn't love him."

She half-laughs. "He came to _you_ for relationship advice?"

"Well, other people's problems are easier to fix than one's own, my dear detective. Crowley! Wake up and _get off_ of my lap, you're heavy!"

"How can he be heavy? He looks like he weighs nothing."

"Oh, trust me." Lucifer shoves snake-Crowley to the floor. "He is quite heavy. Do we have a case?"

"Yes, actually. There's been a homicide at a rare book fair in ... well, actually quite near you, so I'll meet you there. Text you the address."

"Meet you there, then." He hangs up.

"I'll watch him." Anathema yawns, coming out with a couple of coffees. "You can come back and get him later."

"Will do." He grins, draining the coffee Anathema had handed him. It was perfect. "How are you going to explain the giant snake to your mum? Because he's not waking up without a high-order miracle or a few buckets of water."

"Oh, mum's seen a lot of shit." she shrugs. "Don't worry, mum'll be fine."

He refilled his flask on the way out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aziraphale is at the book fair, because of course he is. Lucifer has a plan, and tries to get some advice from Linda.

The book fair was _full_ of book nerds. And a lot of rare books. Which means that Aziraphale was obviously here. By the time Lucifer had gotten there, Ella was doing her forensic whatever-she-did over today's unfortunate corpse, and the detective was talking to Aziraphale. It couldn't have gone better if he'd set it up himself.

"So your name is A.Z. Fell." She says.

"His actual name is Aziraphale." Lucifer drawls, leaning against a table and waving. "Dear Dad, is that the same suit you wore at Victoria's wedding? _Really_?"

"It is, and I wasn't expecting to see _you_ here at all." He can tell Aziraphale is nervous, he's fidgeting.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm not going to _do_ anything, I swear. I work with these people." 

"And more importantly, have you seen Crowley?"

"My dear cousin is hungover at your friend Anathema's house and she's watching him. He's fine, or was when I left him to get here. Well, other than a bottle and a half of bourbon working its way through his body."

"Ugh." Chloe shuddered. 

"Top shelf stuff, too, she has excellent taste. I have to commend her on her choice of bourbon."

"Oh, dear." Aziraphale wrung his hands and fidgeted. "That's not ... especially tickety-boo. Oh dear, Crowley, I wish you wouldn't do that sort of thing."

"All right." Chloe sighs. "So. Aziraphale. You didn't see anything to do with the shooting, you just saw this man collapse -"

"Over a third edition Jane Austen, yes." he says. "I do hope it wasn't ruined in the excitement. Of course, it was only a third edition. I have several first editions back home."

"Of course you do." Lucifer pats his shoulder. 

Chloe looks at him with a raised eyebrow. 

"What? I know him. He runs a rare bookshop in London. Soho, actually. Specializes in first editions and copies of rare prophecies. Not that he tends to sell much, it's more like a library than a bookshop. Well, really more like a reading room. Where you have to wear gloves to see most of the interesting stuff."

"Most of the _interesting_ things are in my own collection." Aziraphale says primly.

"Well, naturally that's where they are, you don't want to let the philistines get their grubby little paws on them. But don't worry, Crowley's fine. Anathema's minding him." Lucifer pats him on the shoulder again and looks into his eyes. "Do you desire anything else?"

Aziraphale gives him a stony glare in return. "Don't try any of your nonsense with me."

"Just checking, that's all."

Chloe and Lucifer start looking over the rest of the room. 

"So how long have you known Aziraphale?" she asks casually.

"Oh, thousands of years." Lucifer shrugs. "He was more interested in my cousin, though. And my cousin is _definitely_ more interested in him."

"Really?" She looks around the floor, trying to find trace evidence.

"Remember I said that my cousin spent all night whining to me about about the angel who won't have anything to do with him?"

"Oh!" Chloe sits back on her haunches and looks over at Aziraphale, who is reading a copy of 'Emma'. "That's him? _That's_ the guy your cousin's been brooding over forever?"

"The very same."

"He looks like a ... librarian. Your cousin looks like a younger, red-headed Keith Richards."

"Well, I suppose my cousin is into ... librarians, then. Librarians that like food ... detective, are you busy for dinner this evening?"

"Why?" Chloe asked.

"Because I have a bit of a plan. Need to make a few calls, call in a favor. Would like a respectable plus-one for dinner. With Linda and Amenadiel, Aziraphale and Crowley. You know. Family thing, sort of. And we're going somewhere nice because Aziraphale is really into food. _Really_ into food. The ultimate foodie. You might meet Anathema and her young man as well, actually. Big dinner thing."

"You have a friend named Anathema?" Chloe looked very skeptical.

"More Crowley's friend. But yes, they're here for her wedding."

"Huh." She thought for a second. "Trixie's at Dan's tonight, so sure. Why not."

"So Aziraphale is in town?" Amenadiel asks over lunch. "And you want to do _dinner_?"

"Oh, yes, definitely." Lucifer took a bite of his Oaxacan food. "You and Linda, me and the detective - yes, I already asked her - Anathema and her young man, and cousin Crowley, who has been pining over Aziraphale since they met in Eden."

"You're joking."

"Not the sort of thing I joke about, brother. Usually my jokes are a lot more ribald than this. And I sort of accidentally mentioned you and Maze and the fact that you were fucking, and well -"

"And well what?"

"Well, he started ranting about how the angel didn't love him and how they were on opposite sides and how the angel called all of his music _bebop_ and hated his driving, blah blah, blah blah, blah blah. Bizarre stories about animals at first and then gets weepy drunk after a bottle and a half of bourbon drunk straight out of the bottle."

"That must have been ... a lot to take in."

"I told you. Weepy drunk. Tears _everywhere_." Lucifer mimes tear tracks spreading down his face. "So many bloody tissues all over the floor and the couch. He almost crashed my Corvette on the way there, for Dad's sake."

"I need some advice." Lucifer swoops into Linda's home office. "Also, do you want to come to dinner this evening? Me, Amenadiel, the detective, a weird cousin, a couple friends of his. Fancy restaurant, haven't decided where yet."

"That's interesting." Linda says, resting her hands on her recently-pregnant stomach. "You've never mentioned cousins. I suppose they must be inevitable, all those brothers."

"Yeah, Crowley's a bit of an odd duck, always has been an odd one. Right now he's male, but that could change at any moment. He likes to switch it up."

"So he's ... non-binary?"

"I suppose you could call him that. He kind of hoards all the genders and releases them randomly, similar to the Kraken or Godzilla. He's why I need advice, actually. I sat up half the night with him and listened to him rant about the angel he's been pining for since Eden."

"Wait." Linda leans forward. "He's been pining for an angel since _Eden_?"

"Oh, yeah. Aziraphale. Guardian of the Eastern Gate. Nice chap, actually. Bit of a librarian type, very bookish. Runs a bookshop in Soho in London - well, really more of a reading room, he hates people actually buying the books - but Crowley is _really_ into him and I heard all about it last night." Lucifer sighs. "The entire six-millenia not-sordid story. How he rescued Aziraphale from the Bastille because he almost got beheaded over crepes, how he rescued Aziraphale from Nazis -"

"Seems to have a bit of a hero complex, this cousin of yours." Linda says.

"Mmm." Lucifer nods, eating a jelly bean. "Who gets nearly beheaded over crepes? Aziraphale is such a _foodie_. Oh, and they stopped the apocalypse from happening, that was interesting, something else that went on without me knowing."

"Wait." Linda says. "The _apocalypse_ happened?"

"Well, no, it didn't, they _stopped it_ , do keep up, Linda."

"Wait. So the _apocalypse_ almost happened."

"Yes, even worse, I got someone accidentally pregnant, which is _dreadful_." He eats another jelly bean. "Crowley thinks nobody noticed because of the baby's ... well, he called it an automatic defense thingy, but he was rather drunk at the time. Still, best theory I've heard. Apparently the child is fine now and all human again, thank Dad." He shudders. "I suppose I should call Anathema and make sure he's still not all snakey on her floor." 

"What, the baby?" Linda blinks.

"No, no, _Crowley._ I came here for advice on what to do about _Crowley_ and the angel - oh, never mind. You are coming to dinner, yes? Bring the baby if you must."

"Oh, yes." Linda nods. "Definitely coming to dinner. Not missing dinner."

"Great!" He claps his hands together. "Wonderful. I have to call Anathema, probably go pick up Crowley off her floor. See you then."

And he whisks out of the office like usual.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crowley raids Anathema's closet. Lucifer has some sensible advice. (sadly, not really transferrable).

Since no advice was forthcoming from Linda, he calls Ella instead, because Mazikeen is a terrible person to ask about this. Maze will just suggest locking them in a room together until they shag, and since that's not happened for six millennia, he's not really holding out for it to happen any time soon. Besides, she's busy working things out with Eve in her spare time between bounties and bartending. 

"Ella, I need some advice on a problem." he says. 

"Sure, bro, whatever you need." He can hear her talking on the other end of the speakerphone.

"Okay. I have a cousin Crowley. Skinny redhead, dresses in skin-tight black jeans and shades, needs help with his accessories, but that's neither here or there. Kind of a ... well, he's a demon, but he's terrible at it. Really more of a prankster than anything else."

"Sure sure."

"And he's really hot for this other guy, Aziraphale."

"They have weird names where you come from, man." 

"Suppose so. Anyway, he's really bookish, big foodie, and he's an angel."

"Into the Guy Upstairs, all that, huh?"

"I suppose you could put it like that. And yet, my cousin really, really _wants_ him. Has for years. Thousands of years."

"Oooh." She thinks for a moment. "Well, I guess all I can say is that for some people, opposites attract, you know?"

"Hmmm." He pulls into Anathema's driveway. "Interesting advice. Are you busy for dinner tonight?"

He finds Crowley nursing his bottle-and-a-half hangover on Anathema's couch, fortunately in human form, unfortunately looking like the floating trash patch in the Pacific. "Well, you can't go out looking like that, you look like Hell."

"What? I'm going someplace?" Crowley blinks over his sunglasses. "Why is it so fucking bright? I hate California, it's too damn sunny here."

"Come on." Lucifer drags Crowley to his feet. "Anathema, do you mind if Crowley borrows your shower? I can't take him like this, he's too busy being a little bitch."

"Sure, go ahead." She shouts back. "Borrow the guest bath. It's fine, just dunk him under the cold tap, he just gets mopey like this when he's really hungover. If it gets worse just use the hose outside."

"Come on, snakey-cousin, it's time for you to get all wet and slippery." Lucifer drags him off by the weird silver scarf.

While Crowley is showering off his hangover, Lucifer gets another call. "Yes?"

"Lucifer, there's a bit of a problem with dinner."

"Oh, Dad, not _another one_. What now?"

"Well, Dan got called in on a job - "

"Oh, just bring the little whelp. Linda's already bringing the younger whelp anyway. Whelp-ling? Whelp-let? Need another name for that one."

"Where are you?" 

He paces around the hall. "Waiting for my cousin to get out of a freezing shower and hoping I don't have to resort to the garden hose. Big on sulking when he's got a hangover and guess what he's been doing for the whole day."

"I see drama is a family trait." 

"Crowley is _more dramatic_ than I am, and I don't say that lightly."

"Wow." She coughs. "Okay. _Really_ looking forward to dinner, then."

Crowley staggers out the door, his hair sticking up every-which-way, dripping on the floor.

"You are _not_ wearing that, it's terrible and I'm confiscating _all of it_." Lucifer grabs the clothes. "Especially that _scarf._ "

"Give me my fucking underwear at least, Luci!" 

"Fine, you can have those." He tosses them back. "We have to find you _something_ better to wear, though. I'll call you back, Detective. I have a cousin to clothe and probably wrangle."

"I'm not wearing anything of Newt's." Crowley sits sulkily on the end of Anathema's bed.

"Your fiance is named after a lizard?" Lucifer raises an eyebrow.

"His full name is Newton, but everyone calls him Newt." Anathema shrugs. "And fine, don't wear anything of Newt's, then. Borrow something of mine, I don't care." She waves at her closet. "Go ahead, have at it."

"Pick something _nice_." Lucifer sighs. "Let me look at that closet. Hmmm. What do you think, witchy woman? Something that isn't completely black."

"Definitely." Anathema nods. "How about this?" She pulls out a gold Chinese dress with a slit up one side and a red oriental dragon winding its way all around to rest its head on the shoulder. "You could pull it off."

"I believe someone else would rather pull it off." Lucifer smirks. 

"Oh, do you think?" Anathema raises an eyebrow.

"Well, I did see him earlier and he _was_ quite _concerned_ about Crowley's whereabouts."

"You know that Aziraphale spent some time briefly possessing a woman who used to do sex work?" Anathema says with a perfectly straight face. "I bet he learned a few things while he was in there."

"Oooh, _really_ , do tell."

Crowley blinks. "Wha - ngk?"

"If you go snake, I will give you to Mazikeen and let her eat your beating heart off the tip of her blade as an appetizer." Lucifer gives him a _look_ , no red eyes but plenty of irritation. "Get _dressed_ , we have to be there at eight and you've got to fix your hair because right now it looks like a bedraggled mop. And Anathema, fix his accessories, will you? I can't face that terrible scarf _again_."

"Gladly." She starts going through her jewelry. 

"This is going to suck." Crowley sighs as they drive towards L.A.

"This is _not_ going to suck, it's going to be delightful. Stop being such a Debbie Downer."

"No, it's going to _suck_ because angel wants nothing to do with me and now I know that and you're forcing me to have dinner with him."

"There's one thing I never did work out, though." Lucifer shrugs. "How did you and Aziraphale get through those trials? I assume Hell tried to use holy water on you."

Crowley gulps. "Are you asking me as my cousin, or as my former boss, and do please remember they were trying to kill me with barely even a show trial."

"I'm asking you as your cousin. And remember, I'm _happy_ you stopped the Apocalypse."

"Um ... well ... Aziraphale possessed my body and I possessed his body and we switched bodies for the day. I went up to Heaven - Gabriel's still quite the fucking wanker, by the way - and he went down to hell and took a bath in Holy water."

"He went to _Hell_ for you?" Lucifer almost crashes his own car this time. "Crowley, I realize you have a habit of talking out your arse, but don't you see? You know how awful that place is! The dank, the ash, the signs saying not to lick the walls ... why do you think I'm _here_ all the time? It's terrible down there!"

"Well, that's why I spend all my time in London."

"No, you spend all your time in London because of Aziraphale. You spend all of your time up _here_ because Hell is a horrible, horrible place. And the angel went down there for _you, idiot._ "

They pull into the parking lot of the restaurant. 

Crowley stares at his red spike-heels. "Do I look okay?"

"You look bloody fantastic. Let's have dinner."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ice cream is not dinner, and Trixie will tell you that.

Most of them were already there - Amenadiel, Linda and little Charlie dressed in a 'Mommy's Little Angel' sleeper, Chloe and Trixie and Ella. Ella whistles as Crowley gets out of the car. "Damn, you look _hot_ , lady. I thought Lucifer said his cousin was a guy, but are you non-binary or something?"

"Yeah." Crowley coughs. "She/her pronouns are fine for today."

"You look pretty." Trixie says, smiling up at Crowley. "Is that a dragon on your dress?"

Crowley nods. 

"She wants to look pretty for the man who she wants to be her boyfriend, honey." Chloe smiles. "He's not here yet. But he should be here really soon, okay? So we're going to help her out."

"Hold on." Crowley backs away a little, staggering back on the heels. "Did I _ask_ for help?"

Lucifer looks at him with a raised eyebrow. "I spent _all of last night_ listening to _Pale Blue Eyes_ on repeat and watching you drown yourself in bourbon, and you think you _don't_ need _help_?"

"Let me fix your hair a touch." Ella says, and starts fussing with it.

"And try these earrings instead." Linda hands Charlie to Lucifer, who holds him like he would a ticking, unexploded bomb. Charlie grabs Lucifer's pocket square and it goes right in his mouth.

"Here, pull the shoulder of this dress down a little." Chloe smiles. "There, you look fantastic like that." 

Amenadiel comes over and takes his son out of Lucifer's hands. "Maybe you should let them fix _you_ up." 

"I haven't perfected that walk she's got." Lucifer decides to let the little beast have the pocket square, it was all covered in baby drool anyway. "Have you seen her walk in this form? It's like she hasn't worked out she's got a spine or hips."

A black Uber pulls up, and a bespectacled man in a reasonably decent suit gets out and holds open the door for Anathema, who is wearing a silver gown. 

"Crowley? Is that you?"

Aziraphale gets out the other side of the Uber. He looks utterly gobsmacked for about a quarter of a second.

"Yeah." Crowley smiles slightly. "Hi."

"Someone wanna _tap that booty_." Ella whispers in Lucifer's ear. 

"Six thousand years worth of tapping, the San Andreas fault better watch out tonight." He raises an eyebrow, smirking. "Shall we go inside, and I'll introduce everyone to everyone else?"

"I haven't seen you in so long, Amenadiel." Aziraphale is beaming. "And you have a _son_! How marvelous! Crowley's really much better with children than I am, though, he was a nanny for a while."

Crowley just shrugs. "His parents were useless, it was nothing, really."

"Oh, tosh. You still keep in touch with Warlock over that Twitter or whatever you do on your phone."

"You were a nanny for a child named _Warlock_?" Linda raises an eyebrow. 

"Long story." Crowley says with a slight smile, and takes a sip of her wine. Lucifer has noticed that she hasn't taken her eyes off Aziraphale, even under the dark glasses.

The food is brought out. Crowley just taps her glass and gets it refilled with more wine. 

"Aren't you hungry?" Trixie asks her. 

"Nah, I'm okay. Ate earlier."

"You ate a quarter of a carton of Phish Food ice cream and I had to finish it." Anathema looks at her.

"You spoiled your dinner." Trixie says, looking disappointed.

"Yes, she did, didn't she, and we'll have to send her to bed early, won't we, urchin?" Lucifer smiles at the youngest Decker. That one's getting awfully crafty. Probably his doing.

Crowley kicks him hard enough to bruise under the table. 

The _staring_ and the _longing_ is unreal, though. Everyone at the table notices it (except Charlie, who is enchanted by a plush devil with bells in it that Maze has given him) and apparently Aziraphale, who is ridiculously focused on his own plate of food. The waves of longing coming off of Crowley are thick enough to spread like butter.

"Are you all right, Crowley?" Linda asks. 

"Yeah, 'course." Crowley smiles at her and doesn't stop looking at Aziraphale.

"You should eat something." Trixie puts some of her potatoes on her plate. "Ice cream isn't dinner, right mom?"

"You are absolutely right, monkey, ice cream isn't dinner." 

"Might make for some good fun afterwards, though." Lucifer smiles at his cousin.

Chloe gives him a 'not-in-front-of-the-children' look.

"What, detective? I was talking about dessert." 

"Fine." Crowley eats a few of the potatoes, still staring.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie sees a nebula, and things get resolved. There are squeaky clocks.

After dinner, they all go back to Lucifer's penthouse for a drink. Lucifer finds Crowley out on the balcony with the smallest of the rugrats, holding him and humming.

"Why are you out here with Linda's crotchfruit instead of in there trying to grab you some angel arse?" He takes out his cigarette case and lights one, blowing smoke rings over the balcony railing. 

"He's cranky and I'm trying to get him settled, you bloody ingrate." 

"Well, one of you is cranky, probably the one of you who's been using the self-service island for the last six millennia. Surprised your hand hasn't fallen off."

"Besides, Aziraphale's noticed your bookshelves, he'll be there for a while." Crowley sighs. 

"He better not nick my copy of _Hamlet_." Lucifer grumbles. 

"Bloody _Hamlet_ , he loves that one, too. One of his favorites. I always preferred the funny ones." She starts singing to Charlie under her breath.

Lucifer chuckles. "Did you just sing _you will rule when Earth's destroyed_?"

"I didn't have time to come up with new words." Crowley says defensively. "It was one of Warlock's old lullabies. Look, Charlie, see that nebula? Your uncle Luci and I made that one. Remember that?"

"Oh yeah, that was one was bloody tricky, wasn't it?"

He hears one of his glasses break. _"Pardon me, you did what?"_

Linda rushes outside. "Uh, Lucifer, bit of a problem."

"Oh, _Dad_ , what _now_?" He stubs his cigarette out. 

"Uh, I think Aziraphale just found out about Amenadiel and Maze."

He grins broadly. "Why, my dear doctor, why would you think that's a problem? In Mandarin, the words 'danger' and 'opportunity' are very similar. Crowley, get your snakey arse in there." 

Linda takes the baby, and Lucifer shoves Crowley through the door.

Aziraphale is staring at Crowley, holding a broken glass in his hand.

"I just heard that Amenadiel did the rumpty-tumpty with Mazikeen." he says dumbly.

Crowley nods. "I know."

"You can just say sex, you know." Lucifer mutters. 

"But if ... he did that -" Aziraphale fidgets, wide-eyed, wringing his hands. "If he did that, then ... that means ... that means - well, you know ... " He trails off. "We could. You and I. The two of us."

The room is silent. Not a breath of air moves. Not even a feather drops.

"If you want to, I mean." He replies, backing up a little so he's up against the bar. "We don't have to. If you don't want to. Although, you do look ... exquisite this evening." He smiles awkwardly. "I've thought so for some time now, actually. Always thought you were very fetching. Lovely. You always look lovely." 

Lucifer hands Crowley his flask. Crowley drains it and hands it back to him. Then she takes a deep breath, closes her eyes and walks over, all hips, legs and slither. 

"That's one hell of a walk." Linda whispers, bouncing Charlie on her hip.

"Isn't it?" Lucifer murmurs back. "It's like she doesn't really know how bones work." 

They stare into each other's eyes.

"Crowley." Aziraphale whispers, taking the demon's face in his hands.

"Angel. _Aziraphale._ "

They kiss. It is hungry and wet and deep and messy. Ella whoops in delight. Crowley ends up with her legs around Aziraphale's waist, one hand in his hair. Aziraphale's got his hand up under Crowley's dress.

"Bed's over that way." Lucifer smiles, pointing as he ushers everyone else over to the elevator. 

"So ... your cousin is relocating to Los Angeles now." Linda says as she feeds Charlie some mashed bananas and rice cereal.

"Yes. Now that he's got all that nonsense with Aziraphale straightened out, thank _Dad_ \- well, actually, this time it was mostly _me_ , to be entirely honest - they found a house in the hills. Which is good, Crowley's always been one for the sun. Loves the sun, he does. They have to go back to London to close up the bookshop and get his plants and Aziraphale's entire book collection, which will take up most of their house, obviously. Plus his car, won't give up his car." Lucifer moves a little further away from his nephew's toy-throwing range. Since this was Amenadiel's son, this was further than the average child.

Charlie throws a squeaky clock toy at him.

"You little bugger. Just like your father, trying to manipulate time. But I was meaning to ask." Lucifer smiles. "Crowley's looking for a job when he gets here. Don't suppose you'll need a nanny after you go back to work, do you?"


End file.
